I am a child of God.
I am a full 2 months into my “retirement” from restaurant/kitchen work.
I retired, quit, left my position, denounced, ran away from the kitchen, even my personal kitchen. I cook as little as possible, even for myself. I thought I would miss it. I don’t. I thought as I stepped back in my last professional kitchen (to visit the team I left) I would feel some sense of ownership: the menu is my creation, the kitchen set up and equipment I curated, the smells, the symphonic clang of cooking, the team I trained… nope, nothing but relief that I no longer belonged mixed with gratitude for all the good memories and the life long friends.
“I no longer belonged”, I thought that realizing that truth, would hurt. But it didn’t, and I thank God for that.
A couple months before my exit from that world to jump head first into the life of a “starving artist” I had a very strong desire to go back to church. It had been many years since I had entered a church, and truthfully I had a love/dislike relationship with God for the last 15 years or so (give or take a year or two). I would find myself offended if someone, something made any reference toward Christianity, God, and/or Jesus.
I could dive headlong into a deep analysis as to why, but I won't.
I have never abandoned my belief in creation and spirituality, I follow the edict of Buddhism, but not to the extent of nailing down a certain form or teaching, but that my “religion” is love, the golden rule, enlightenment, yoga, et cetera and so on. I am in love with kindness, that is my biggest rule for my life. I know that I am not 100% all the time, everyday kind. I work at it, I sometimes fail at it, but I always strive to be kind.
My son Zachary was the catalyst, so to speak, that opened that door that I had tried to keep closed. I am happy to say I did not lock or barricade the door, just left it slightly ajar. A few events happened that made me open my heart to the idea that God was at work in my son’s life and was quietly tapping on that door in my heart, with each tap, the gap got a little wider and it wasn’t merely ajar, but was actually opening. My heart could feel the tug, my spirit started to warm up (is the best way I can put it). I didn’t realize that my spirit was chilled, until I felt the warmth spreading from my heart.
I did realize though that I was walking through my life with a lot of anger, with resentments, with self pity, and a sense of the unfairness of life. That realization pushed me backward, and I had some deep seeded questions that I needed to ask myself if I had any hope of having some peace for the rest of my years. I had even stopped meditating, and I meditated every day. That was a big blow to my -self, my spirit, my loud obnoxious mind, my ego even (I know, leave the ego out of it!)
I went to church with a friend. I knew it wasn’t the church I wanted to go to, but I knew that I wanted to go to a church that felt like home to me. So I tried another church, a brand new church, and that church felt right. Most importantly, I started praying, I started a dialogue with God, Christ, the holy spirit, and I asked for guidance, I asked for patience. I pray for my friends and my family and for the plight of the world.
I prayed for me to find my way to God, wholly and completely. But I didn’t think I could pray for myself financially for help. Or if I did pray for my finances I found myself bargaining, or feeling guilty or selfish and that stopped me from being completely faithful that God has my best interest at heart.
I purchased a bible, and I am getting the word of God through scripture, which I had ALWAYS held such skepticism (written by men for men, to control women). I love the scripture and find solace in the word of God, but I’ll be honest, I still question a lot, and that’s ok. I don’t think God finds fault in me for that.
Yes I am struggling, financially, more so than I have done in many years. I sometimes wonder how I am going to buy food. My finance company is threatening to repossess my car. I worry about feeding my dogs and cats, I cry at the thought of them suffering because of my choices. I can’t make my rent this month (I applied for assistance that I am sure I will qualify for). But I work everyday at making art, I am still struggling with websites and online stores. I'm sure I will figure all that out. I just need to put forth more effort. I know my truths. I have had some bad days, scared and worried, I feel anxiety, but when I pray about it. It all gets washed away. When I lean into my faith in God, I feel lighter, safer. I feel a sense of freedom. I have a long way to go in my faith, I know with all of my heart I will never walk away from him ever again. I trust him, I am building a strong relationship with him, and I feel so loved by him and completely accepted by him. And that is the best feeling a human being can ever have. I still believe in the Buddhist way of life and I find good in that belief. I know that Jesus walked this earth, I know he sacrificed himself for my salvation. I know that he is my best friend. I am praying everyday and I am getting back into structured meditation on my mat on my meditation pillow. Times are tough right now financially, but I know that I will survive, I know that “I have entered the most abundant and aligned chapter of my life, by the Grace of God”.
With devotion,
Tami
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