I, I, I ….
I find it a little surreal that we are just a few short weeks away from the year 2025! Another holiday season is upon us and I find myself more hopeful for the season and for the future. I long ago gave up the need or desire to do the holiday shopping marathon or sprint, I found that the spirit of holiday gifting was far too wrapped up in mass consumerism.
When my children (now all grown) were little beings I spent the Christmas holidays immersed in angst and and stress and worry that I wasn’t going to have the funds to get enough gifts, or big enough gifts, or the right gifts - always teetering between what they want in the moment to what I think they would need for the long run. Then there were the extended family gifts - Do I get for them or not, if they got something for me or my family was I obliged to return the thought by purchasing another gift that they neither wanted or needed just for the sake of giving a gift? And as the years went by and the littles became big overconsuming teenagers and the gifts from or to other family members held little to no true meaning I said, “I quit!”
We took a long holiday drive in the snow and ice to be with family. I did some last minute grocery and gift shopping in my brother’s town a couple days before Christmas and I found myself in local stores crowded by angry people, frowning and glowering at each other, pissed off for one reason or another about an item not found on a list that was too long to even keep track of, I mean where was the love? Where was the Joy of the season? Where was Jesus in all this flurry of shopping and cooking and giving and receiving? I have always believed in Jesus, in the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit but I found that I did not see him in the spirit of christmas anymore (yes, lower case “c” on christmas) as I myself had forgotten him. I had turned my back on him. Therefore I turned my back on Christmas. That was the last year that I bought gifts. Oh I purchased stocking stuffers, and I put the focus on family time and a large meal. I wanted to donate to a charity of my childrens picking, but I didn’t even follow through on that I just plain gave up.
Through the years and 4 grandchildren later I have purchased some long thought out ideas of small gifts for the grandchildren and as my creativity grew and my focus on art became more in view I started making cards for each of my kids, and for extended family members, but I still did not see Jesus in the celebrations - I mean isn’t he the sole reason for the season? This year I see him, I feel him, I know him.
I pray that my family understands that I cannot give of things that cost money. Shopping is out of the question. I didn’t even make cards this year. I have God in my life, but as usual, since I made the choice to live so far away from my family, Christmas holds me hostage in a grip of sadness, loneliness, shame, worry. The list is long, it isn’t pretty, it isn’t inspiring, but it is honest. I love Jesus, I am filled with hope for what is to come, I have faith that God will provide for me as I live this moment in debt, in monetary lack, in joblessness, but completely in love with God.
I see God, I feel him in every moment of every day, I love him, I believe in him, I have faith in him. But I am still not filled with the joy of the season, I am still far away from my family, and I feel that absence more this year than I ever have. I want to go home, I want to be with them, I want to hold them and touch their faces, I want to hear the laughter of my grandchildren, to feel the warmth of both of my son’s arms around me and I want to hug my daughter so tight and never let her go.
So I made a decision, this is the last holiday season that I will ever spend away from my family. I have given myself the next 7 months at the most to get my shit together, to create enough of an income in that time to get myself and my dogs back to Oregon. I want to go home, to where my family is. I want to be there for them like never before. I want to grow my art under the glow of their love. I want to hang out with my grandchildren and eat ice cream with them and watch silly movies, and go for walks and meet their friends. I want to get to know them as they are now, my granddaughter as a teenager and a young woman, my grandson as he navigates his way toward the preteen years, to listen to his quick wit. To get to know two little baby boys born to my son, whom I have yet to meet. To watch them first hand grow and learn and love, to cuddle and snuggle them all close.
I want to be there if and when my oldest son and his beautiful wife decide to become parents. I want to celebrate holidays and birthdays and special events right beside them all. There is so much I want to experience with them. I want to be happy with the change of the seasons and when I struggle I want to be able to step through the door of one of my wonderful children’s homes and feel the love that only they can offer me, and I want to give all of the same back to them.
I have prayed on this and God has set a path before me. More change, more adjustments, and most importantly more love.
I told my best friend here on the island two nights ago, and it made my heart hurt because I love her so much. And as I sit here and write this blog there are tears streaming down my face, my chest aches with emotion, my mind is full of all the moving parts that have to be perfectly in sync, and my heart breaks just a little bit because I love this island so very much. But I know with every fiber of my being that it is the right thing to do.
My prayers are for all who need them. Thank you for reading my soul words.
Thank you God for all the love that you give me.
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